You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.