I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open