An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Who does Amazon think I am?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.