Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
water it, i dare you
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
pictures of spider-man
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.