Lol.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Sooo many times…..
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
lot going on here, legally speaking.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.