My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it