I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.