if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan