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Fat chances are my favorite chances
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
what’s the point then??
Mad Max Arctic Road
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”