Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
He a real one for that
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster