The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
You Might Also Like
#Caturday
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles