doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
We have a winner.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
#JohnTravolta
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.