Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
You Might Also Like
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My work here is don’t.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
So, can we agree on 4 or
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!