Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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Did a trash talking tree write this?
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant