When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore