Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
accurate
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?