[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun