Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.