Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.