if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend