Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Tough love is true love
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license