If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills