I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’