I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!