i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
When I snag the last meatball.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it