Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck