*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years