Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
im 7 sauces long
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
#NeverForget
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason