“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?