Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Bloody internet 😳
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
There’s always that one guy
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored