Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You Might Also Like
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
This is my brand.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.