I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear