There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please