“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*