Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me