I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Britain be like
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies