Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS