Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”