The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
What