I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
PLOT TWIST:
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”