My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
dutch so unserious
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I already tried new things thanks.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins