ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Sponch
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse