When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️