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I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.