Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child