I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
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She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
This is a sub tweet
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.