Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
found my next D&D character name
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
i prefer mine room temperature.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE