Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Netflix: We have Less
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow