I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
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[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Plant care tips
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.