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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.